Just Being

This little house we live in is so tiny! That's our kitchen area above. It has simplified life for me in so many ways to live this small, this simple. Although my mind never stops and I always have something I'm working in my hands, my demeanor as I get to the next thing has been under-construction - and I guess my attitude while I do the things has changed too. I want to enjoy the journey. But though I could seek my whole life for peace and contentment, I couldn't end up here where I am without a God who drifts me here Himself.

I believe the gateway for me has been hardship. I have endured so much grief. I always forget the purified washing grief provides while I'm in the midst of it. But I always come out a better version of this person that I am. So flawed and paradoxical. Seriously, sometimes I downright contradict myself. And it takes someone to really know me to know that I indeed did not contradict myself but that I very much have made sense of my logic and that I'm just a paradox of sorts.

This lifestyle for me is sometimes very at odds with the internet. Since I do love so many things about it though I've accepted that I just have to put boundaries in place. Make it a spiritual, as well as home-making practice to set limits.

 I live in this tiny (to us) house and have so much contentment. I have less than I probably have ever had in my entire life (except for books) and I feel fuller than ever. Something has happened in me so humbling that I think the very words of Yeshua have manifested in my life.

I will always be a passenger on the learning-train toward betterment. I don't find myself very witty nor crafty when it comes to all of this or expressing it.

I just look at my old depressed self and want to blanket her. Want to blanket all of us and say: it's okay. You don't have to do it all. You don't have to convince anyone. Don't compare your mess to someone else's highlights. You are so precious, so unique. You don't need to run in this world's race. Goals and dreams (by God's grace positioned directly in His center will) will manifest themselves as I'm responsible with the things set right before me - and this does NOT include all those things off to the side in my peripheral view that squeeze there way in enough to attach themselves to the landscape of my to-do list.

Well, honestly when I was so un-healthy and malnourished, it was a matter of laziness for me then. I would just put things off and off and off. I felt lazy, now I know I was just sick and tired.

And now while all sorts of ideas for work and projects (which I actually have energy for now) flood my journals and conversations, I'm still content to linger in this learning stage. But work is good and I'm learning how to be still and listen for the things that I'm really meant to do and the things that I should indeed let fall by the wayside.