My youngest daughter Olivia was born very sick after an amazingly trying time in utero. No doctor believed she would survive, but she did. And that led me to allow this little one to do as she pleased for quite some time. All the while finding her the most precious, cutest thing in the world.
Until about a year ago, it backfired on me big time. She began to yell at me, smack me, and throw the most tremendous tantrums. She is the feistiest little thing if there ever was one!
Still, because of her history, I kept my cool. But something had to change. She needed to be disciplined - she needs to learn self-discipline. This one thing has helped me so much that I wanted to share it. It may not work for another strong-willed child and there are times when even she doesn't want to hear it, but for the most part it has been successful. (Though even when it doesn't work, she is still now much more respectful.) And though I've had people tell me: that would never work for my child... I do hope people try it, but you've got to be convinced yourself and be genuine about it.
Humor. I use humor to calm her down. She gets comforted by my silliness. Not overly silly, just enough to show her: it's okay baby girl, we'll get through this.
It's exhausting, too. When I just want to say: no, Olivia, you can't have a cookie until you eat your supper..and instead I say: sure you may have a cookie my darling, that's why I made them! but first we'll eat supper and then I'm gonna eat youuuuuuu nom nom nom..and I chase her or something like that. It may seem dramatic, but if I went with the "no cookie until after supper" I could hear a wretched cry for 30 minutes straight.
Also, I rarely start a sentence with "no." The truth is that no isn't usually the answer, it's usually "not now" which is much easier to accept. Of course there are times when the answer is a very serious "no" and when it is I stop to think how I can use my words to not discourage her. This is something very personal for each family. I know plenty of people that would not bother to sugar coat something for their toddler because, well, that's life..it's not always pretty and they need to know that. Culture can also play a role. So everyone must find their own way. Physical touch is also a huge comfort to her. Though she may push me away at first she almost always softens to my touch.
I believe this works because it's not condescending. I'm being real with her. Though I don't want to hear the crying, and I may be stressed out at the moment, I do love her and want to help her navigate her emotions. Hers run very, very high.
I've found this works with all my children, but I'm flexible when it comes to communicating with them since they are individuals and in my book they are the "experts" I should listen to when it comes to their own feelings; feelings they can barely express. But with some prayerful intuition I can learn of them and help them with expression and understanding the reason and meaning behind respect and obedience.
It's also so important for me to get down to their level when speaking to them, or at least being in front of them instead of yelling from another room. This makes a huge difference. And of course, I have to remember respect goes both ways. Plenty of children are disrespected all the time.
Also going into long stretched-out explanations is not needed. I notice the longer I try to explain or reason with a small child, the more their emotions escalate. A simple sentence and a warm rub on the back is usually all it takes. Sometimes she stomps away to her room and yells her head off for awhile but if I leave her to be she always emerges shortly and "over it." But if I continue to try and justify to her, I prolong the tantrum substantially.
Thankfully, I don't have to be a perfect mother to be successful! Whew! I'm genuine, caring, and teachable. We all have our own strengths to draw from and weaknesses to learn from. It's a precious journey once I see it for what it is - a very short span of time.
*****I have my moments where I say "no!" and don't exercise gracious motherly manners (lol) but I do crave different patterns for my children so I seek them, and when I fail, I just dust myself off and get back up.
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